Reaching Out

I want to reach out

But I don’t know how

I don’t know how

Or why I want to

In the first place

 

All I know is that

I have to reach out

Before they pull me in

into the depths of hell

I call my mind

 

 

-CL

02202017 2208

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If Not For Myself

I have to be better, for all the people who love me.

For the people trying their best for me.

For the people who want me to stay alive.

I have to stay, for them; if not for myself.

Myself, who doesn’t do anything.

Getting worse and worse at things.

Wanting to sleep forever.

If not for myself, then I’ll try living for other people.

May my love for them help me learn to love myself.

 

-CL

Dec04’2016

TW: I Want Out.

I want out.

I don’t want to do

anything anymore.

The cameras I collected

and took pictures with

were in my cabinet,

collecting dust.

The guitar;

I play,

for only about 3 minutes,

maybe once a week

The Melodica I bought

I played for a few days

then dumped it under my bed

Even the loudest beat

of my drum kit

I cannot hear.

I want out.

Out of my life.

I failed.

Again.

So please, please,

let me out.

So Much For Trying Hard

I smell of alcohol and nicotine; and the taste of the cough syrup lingers on my tongue.
I don’t want to go on and do another stupid thing. I want to block the voice of my self-injurious demon out of my head.
Or else I would have to feel the horrible – and heavenly at the same time – yet familiar feeling of pain on my wrists.
We never change, do we?
Hah.
And I thought I was getting better at this game we call life.
Or maybe I was getting better, and here I am tripping down from the thing we call relapse.
Can I really call this a relapse, when I never really got better?
But to be fair, I did get better. Just minimally. Or moderately, I don’t know anymore.
All I know is that it has been one hell of a roller coaster of a ride.

And I’m about to throw up.

 

-CL

Feb09’16

02092016
12:53 am

To the One I Never Had

 

Dear You,

I never expected that there will come a time where I’d write a letter like this, but here we are.

I don’t know what to say, nor do I know what I want to hear from you. All I know is that the time has come for me to move on from you.

Let me first clarify myself to save you the trouble of guessing what you did wrong. For starters, you did nothing of the sort. If anything, it was I who overstepped my bounds.

We were friends first. No, scratch that. We were strangers to each other. But look how time managed to make me fall for you. Hah.

We were in junior year of high school. We belonged in the same class, yet we never really talked. You had your own set of friends, and I had mine. You had your heart set to someone else; and well, I guess you could say the same for me.

She was your first love. You became close friends, and you let yourself fall for her. She was beautiful, funny, and witty; everything you could ever ask for a girl, she had it at that age.

While you were busy with her, I too was busy with my own special someone. I guess you could say it was a one-sided romantic attraction, though. And to make things worse, we’re both females. Despite the odds, I still let myself fall for her. Despite knowing that nothing was ever going to come out of it, I still loved her in ways only I know the true reason for.

Enough talking about them, for now.

It was in senior high school that I came to really know you. From a name and face I barely paid attention to, you became someone special to me; in a platonic way, of course.

You were the first guy I ever got really close to, without romantic attachments. We became friends, and a close one at that.

 

Wait. Let me think and breathe for a second.

I suddenly got tired of writing about our past, so I’m going to cut my reminiscing here. I apologize. Rest assured I’m going to finish writing about it in the future.

For now let me tell you the reason I’m writing you this letter in the first place. Not that you’re going to read this, though. I’ll take this to my grave, if I could.

I fell for you. Not as hard as I did with my first love, admittedly; but for someone who identifies as bisexual (but is more attracted to her own sex than the opposite), that’s really saying something. You were the first guy I became attracted to in a romantic way.

I’m tired of writing and beating around the bush. I might have to cut this short. Again, I’m sorry.

What I’m trying to say all along is that, I recently made a decision to let go of you. You were never really mine in the first place. But I guess, what I’ll try to do is distance myself away from you. I need to remind myself that we’re friends first, and most probably, that is all we are going to be.

I have come at a dead end. True, I thought of jumping at the edge of this cliff; of confessing my feelings, but luckily someone grabbed me before I went through with that plan.

I realized, with the help and insight of one of my friends, that I’m never going to be loved – in a romantic way, that is – by you. You see me as a friend, and you’ll continue to see me as a friend until the end.

I should have seen this coming. I deluded myself with fantasies of you and me, together, as a couple. I guess these delusions will remain as they are now.

I need to let you go, for my own sake. For my own sanity. For my heart to heal. My love for you may not be that strong, but I still love you nonetheless. It hurts, still.

I’ll let you go, for now.

P.S.

Here’s a snippet of a song I’m writing for you:

 

I never said I’d wait forever, did I

But if I could, I would

But now that I opened my eyes

I saw that there never will be an “us”

As you may have thought of from the start

And unknowingly, you broke my heart

Into tiny little pieces, piercing through my skin

With me silently crying in pain

 

It’s not like I could blame you

It’s not like you’re at fault

If anything I’m the one to be blamed

For letting myself fall into the flames

Of unrequited love

 

Love,

KP

Dec30’15

 

Why Not?

How about now?

When you’ve exhausted

every ounce of your energy

thinking about things,

irrelevant ones.

 

How about we try again,

my dear?

When all that is left

are the important things.

Or so they say.

 

Enough with the

random works

and random words.

It’s time.

 

Time to work for the Man.

Time for you to face the enemy:

obligations, responsibilities.

 

As if the monsters and atrocities

living in your head

are not enough.

 

It’s all fun and games

until you realize

you’re meant to lose

in the end

with no codes to use.

 

So how about now

We get it over with?

 

-CL

Dec30’15

We All Have At Least One

They are

Not monsters.

They don’t

Look like one.

 

They are

The shadows

That just

So happens

To follow

You around

When you

Were sure

You are saved

By the light

But then

They engulf you

Completely

After dark.

 

They are

The whispers

So faint

You could

Have sworn

It was not there

Until their words

Ring in your ears

 

But just like

The monsters

In those movies

Only you can see,

Hear,

And feel them.

 

-CL

Dec14’15

from the lab

So I was finally able to send my exposed films to the lab. I had to wait for four hours, lurking in the busy street where the lab was located. The lab lady wasn’t friendly, either. So the trip wasn’t that great. But! what I got made me happy enough. Hope you enjoy looking through some of the photos I took about one or two years ago.

-AP

Dec06,’15

 

Luxury I Can’t Afford

The sense of being

is a luxury everyone but I

seemed to have abundantly.

 

It’s a golden nugget,

mined from within ourselves

in exchange of weary faces

and tired bodies.

 

At least you’re happy.

And whole.

 

But what about those

like me, who couldn’t dig

through their layers

nor seek out the stars above

to find themselves?

 

What do we have left for ourselves?

A sense of longing, perhaps?

 

If only I could trade it for a

tailor-fit purpose.

 

Then I wouldn’t have

to walk around mindlessly

 

trying to fit in

and trying find out

what’s inside of me

that I can offer to the world.

 

Only then I can live.

 

-CL

Dec06’15

An attempt to make myself believe that everything is going to be okay.

Dear Past Self: Thank you for this. This is what I needed to see and believe in.

Somnolent Soul

You know what, you can do it.

You may not do it now, but you’ll be able to do it eventually.

You can beat depression, with your own ways.

You can beat depression, in your own time.

You can beat depression, with or without others.

But you can never beat it without your heart and mind, and your whole being, invested in this battle.

You have to fight with what you have to win all that is rightfully yours: your life.

Kill (depression) or be killed. Beat it or be beaten up (does this mantra even work?)

 

Don’t be afraid of relapses. Well okay, maybe it’s okay to be scared.. But the thing is, they’re relapses. You’re having relapses because you’re going up. And that’s the important part: the going up part. It means your going somewhere (good). You can’t experience a bump in the road if you’re not…

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