I want to reach out
But I don’t know how
I don’t know how
Or why I want to
In the first place
All I know is that
I have to reach out
Before they pull me in
into the depths of hell
I call my mind
-CL
02202017 2208
I want to reach out
But I don’t know how
I don’t know how
Or why I want to
In the first place
All I know is that
I have to reach out
Before they pull me in
into the depths of hell
I call my mind
-CL
02202017 2208
I have to be better, for all the people who love me.
For the people trying their best for me.
For the people who want me to stay alive.
I have to stay, for them; if not for myself.
Myself, who doesn’t do anything.
Getting worse and worse at things.
Wanting to sleep forever.
If not for myself, then I’ll try living for other people.
May my love for them help me learn to love myself.
-CL
Dec04’2016
I want out.
I don’t want to do
anything anymore.
The cameras I collected
and took pictures with
were in my cabinet,
collecting dust.
The guitar;
I play,
for only about 3 minutes,
maybe once a week
The Melodica I bought
I played for a few days
then dumped it under my bed
Even the loudest beat
of my drum kit
I cannot hear.
I want out.
Out of my life.
I failed.
Again.
So please, please,
let me out.
I smell of alcohol and nicotine; and the taste of the cough syrup lingers on my tongue.
I don’t want to go on and do another stupid thing. I want to block the voice of my self-injurious demon out of my head.
Or else I would have to feel the horrible – and heavenly at the same time – yet familiar feeling of pain on my wrists.
We never change, do we?
Hah.
And I thought I was getting better at this game we call life.
Or maybe I was getting better, and here I am tripping down from the thing we call relapse.
Can I really call this a relapse, when I never really got better?
But to be fair, I did get better. Just minimally. Or moderately, I don’t know anymore.
All I know is that it has been one hell of a roller coaster of a ride.
And I’m about to throw up.
-CL
Feb09’16
02092016
12:53 am
How about now?
When you’ve exhausted
every ounce of your energy
thinking about things,
irrelevant ones.
How about we try again,
my dear?
When all that is left
are the important things.
Or so they say.
Enough with the
random works
and random words.
It’s time.
Time to work for the Man.
Time for you to face the enemy:
obligations, responsibilities.
As if the monsters and atrocities
living in your head
are not enough.
It’s all fun and games
until you realize
you’re meant to lose
in the end
with no codes to use.
So how about now
We get it over with?
-CL
Dec30’15
They are
Not monsters.
They don’t
Look like one.
They are
The shadows
That just
So happens
To follow
You around
When you
Were sure
You are saved
By the light
But then
They engulf you
Completely
After dark.
They are
The whispers
So faint
You could
Have sworn
It was not there
Until their words
Ring in your ears
But just like
The monsters
In those movies
Only you can see,
Hear,
And feel them.
-CL
Dec14’15
So I was finally able to send my exposed films to the lab. I had to wait for four hours, lurking in the busy street where the lab was located. The lab lady wasn’t friendly, either. So the trip wasn’t that great. But! what I got made me happy enough. Hope you enjoy looking through some of the photos I took about one or two years ago.
-AP
Dec06,’15
The sense of being
is a luxury everyone but I
seemed to have abundantly.
It’s a golden nugget,
mined from within ourselves
in exchange of weary faces
and tired bodies.
At least you’re happy.
And whole.
But what about those
like me, who couldn’t dig
through their layers
nor seek out the stars above
to find themselves?
What do we have left for ourselves?
A sense of longing, perhaps?
If only I could trade it for a
tailor-fit purpose.
Then I wouldn’t have
to walk around mindlessly
trying to fit in
and trying find out
what’s inside of me
that I can offer to the world.
Only then I can live.
-CL
Dec06’15
Dear Past Self: Thank you for this. This is what I needed to see and believe in.
You know what, you can do it.
You may not do it now, but you’ll be able to do it eventually.
You can beat depression, with your own ways.
You can beat depression, in your own time.
You can beat depression, with or without others.
But you can never beat it without your heart and mind, and your whole being, invested in this battle.
You have to fight with what you have to win all that is rightfully yours: your life.
Kill (depression) or be killed. Beat it or be beaten up (does this mantra even work?)
Don’t be afraid of relapses. Well okay, maybe it’s okay to be scared.. But the thing is, they’re relapses. You’re having relapses because you’re going up. And that’s the important part: the going up part. It means your going somewhere (good). You can’t experience a bump in the road if you’re not…
View original post 271 more words
I call it progress,
they call it failure;
failure to pass
what’s due
on time
I call it baby steps,
They call it a waste
of their time, not mine;
so could I please
hurry the hell up
I call it my best,
they call it mediocrity;
a below average
attempt at surviving
so why do I even try
I call it getting by,
they call it giving up
without seeing things
from where I stand
so I guess
I really cannot keep up
at all.
-CL
Oct21’15