To the One I Never Had

 

Dear You,

I never expected that there will come a time where I’d write a letter like this, but here we are.

I don’t know what to say, nor do I know what I want to hear from you. All I know is that the time has come for me to move on from you.

Let me first clarify myself to save you the trouble of guessing what you did wrong. For starters, you did nothing of the sort. If anything, it was I who overstepped my bounds.

We were friends first. No, scratch that. We were strangers to each other. But look how time managed to make me fall for you. Hah.

We were in junior year of high school. We belonged in the same class, yet we never really talked. You had your own set of friends, and I had mine. You had your heart set to someone else; and well, I guess you could say the same for me.

She was your first love. You became close friends, and you let yourself fall for her. She was beautiful, funny, and witty; everything you could ever ask for a girl, she had it at that age.

While you were busy with her, I too was busy with my own special someone. I guess you could say it was a one-sided romantic attraction, though. And to make things worse, we’re both females. Despite the odds, I still let myself fall for her. Despite knowing that nothing was ever going to come out of it, I still loved her in ways only I know the true reason for.

Enough talking about them, for now.

It was in senior high school that I came to really know you. From a name and face I barely paid attention to, you became someone special to me; in a platonic way, of course.

You were the first guy I ever got really close to, without romantic attachments. We became friends, and a close one at that.

 

Wait. Let me think and breathe for a second.

I suddenly got tired of writing about our past, so I’m going to cut my reminiscing here. I apologize. Rest assured I’m going to finish writing about it in the future.

For now let me tell you the reason I’m writing you this letter in the first place. Not that you’re going to read this, though. I’ll take this to my grave, if I could.

I fell for you. Not as hard as I did with my first love, admittedly; but for someone who identifies as bisexual (but is more attracted to her own sex than the opposite), that’s really saying something. You were the first guy I became attracted to in a romantic way.

I’m tired of writing and beating around the bush. I might have to cut this short. Again, I’m sorry.

What I’m trying to say all along is that, I recently made a decision to let go of you. You were never really mine in the first place. But I guess, what I’ll try to do is distance myself away from you. I need to remind myself that we’re friends first, and most probably, that is all we are going to be.

I have come at a dead end. True, I thought of jumping at the edge of this cliff; of confessing my feelings, but luckily someone grabbed me before I went through with that plan.

I realized, with the help and insight of one of my friends, that I’m never going to be loved – in a romantic way, that is – by you. You see me as a friend, and you’ll continue to see me as a friend until the end.

I should have seen this coming. I deluded myself with fantasies of you and me, together, as a couple. I guess these delusions will remain as they are now.

I need to let you go, for my own sake. For my own sanity. For my heart to heal. My love for you may not be that strong, but I still love you nonetheless. It hurts, still.

I’ll let you go, for now.

P.S.

Here’s a snippet of a song I’m writing for you:

 

I never said I’d wait forever, did I

But if I could, I would

But now that I opened my eyes

I saw that there never will be an “us”

As you may have thought of from the start

And unknowingly, you broke my heart

Into tiny little pieces, piercing through my skin

With me silently crying in pain

 

It’s not like I could blame you

It’s not like you’re at fault

If anything I’m the one to be blamed

For letting myself fall into the flames

Of unrequited love

 

Love,

KP

Dec30’15

 

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