Empty.

It’s been so long since I last posted on my blog and now I don’t even know what to write about anymore.

I’m pretty certain a lot has happened since my last blog post, but at the same time I feel like nothing happened at all. It’s weird.

So I guess, first off, I would like to apologize for not being able to post anything these past few months. More importantly, I am sorry for making some of you worry. I know that you worry about me not really being stable, and for that, I am really really sorry.

So, how about this? I promise not to do stupid, life-threatening things. I know it’s not much, but I like to keep my promises. I guess it’s one of the only few things I’m good at. Hah.

With that aside, I now would like to talk about why I haven’t posted in a while.

I have nothing to write about, I have no reason to write, it seemed.

Actually, that’s not true. I have a few things I like to talk about, to write about, to think about.

But that’s the thing, I can’t get them out of my mind.

Every time I try to write them down, they just turn into one big jumbled mess.

Either there were too many thoughts going through my head at a time, or there are too little. Either way, I couldn’t focus on a single topic long enough to put them into words. I’d write about one idea, and then I’d suddenly think of another one.

Whenever I manage to write one thought down, all the others vanish in thin air. I forget about all the rest. Which was frustrating.

What made it worse was the fact that I’m the type of writer that likes to put many details on my writings. Too many details, in my opinion. I want to write down even the useless things connected to a certain thought or idea.

I think that was also one of the reasons why I was never quite able to document my everyday life. I’d write down every event that happened on a certain day, down to how long (down to minutes) I had to do what. What I wore that day. What everyone wore that day. What the weather was. How many times someone did what.

Couple my love for details with my hate for re-writing/re-reading things, and you get a very frustrated Kat.

And then, sometimes, in the middle of writing, I suddenly get lost. Like, all my thoughts, like bubbles, disappear.

For instance, I no longer know what the point of this particular point is. I’m fairly certain it has something to do with me feeling empty. Or maybe that was just me feeling everything all at once and I just couldn’t see through the haze of my thoughts.

Oh, gosh. I think this particular writing is turning into just random words hastily put together by a troubled soul. I imagined this one to be a sort of an apology, a story to fill you in with my life, a list of plans. However, I don’t know what this turned out to be.

I’m going to end this right here. I will not re-write this one tonight (maybe next time). So, sorry for all the errors and typos I have made in this piece.

Until the next time,

Kat

P.S. What do you suggest I do, for me to get back at writing once again? Having nothing to do but think (and think… and think..) is slowly driving me insane; and I’m already messed up as I am. So, any tips?

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10 thoughts on “Empty.

  1. Sup!

    PERSONALLY, I like reading to see all the details that people don’t like to talk to about because they think are too silly. I like reading how one thought connected to another and why this brought your mind to this thought and such and such.

    So I suggest next time you post, freely delve into all the detail as you please because I would enjoy it more šŸ˜€

    You are surely going to think after re-reading it that it makes no sense and nobody will understand but don’t re-arrange it! Flow of thought is so fascinating.

    Nice to hear from ya!

    • Yes, yes, and yes! First off I gotta learn to loosen a little bit. As weird as it would seem, I have to learn that sometimes the most nonsensical of sentences might mean the most to one person, you know what I mean? He he

      Missed hearing from too too, pal. šŸ™‚

  2. Just write. Making sense or not, a flow of thought can be followed, just as this post could be followed with interest. Release yourself from perfectionism. The correctness or otherwise of your words doesn’t matter. I write to clear my head, to make sense of it all. So can you!

  3. I agree with the others – try freewriting. And don’t be too hard on yourself. I write morning pages, which is basically 20 minutes of freewriting every morning. I’ve done it for years now and I don’t want to miss it! šŸ™‚

    I love your promise. It’s an important thing to make! Yes, let’s do that. I’ll take you by your word. šŸ™‚

  4. I like your promise, too! I went through a sort of “writer’s block” about 6 months ago, where I kept revising and revising (the opposite problem) and never could feel happy with what I had written. I took a break for a few months. Then I did freewriting “poetry” where I just wrote whatever I was feeling and didn’t put any pressure on myself to make sense, etc… After a while I eventually worked up to writing a new short story that I forced myself just to write and not revise. And that’s where I am now…still not 100% back to writing, but also not frozen. Don’t know if this is helpful at all, but just wanted to share that you are not alone in the writing struggle! šŸ™‚

  5. Hey! šŸ˜€
    I hope that you are fine and that your Easter was okay. The days here are getting longer – finally – and the trees are growing leaves and blossom. I hope you can sleep and eat and that you are healing.

    Lots of love!
    Julia šŸ˜€

    • Hey, Julia! šŸ™‚
      I’ve missed talking to you.
      I’m fine, I hope you are, too.

      Thank you for your kind thoughts. My thoughts and emotions are still on a roller coaster ride, but at least now I have more than a few people actually trying to help me. You’re one of those people, so thank you so so much!

      I apologize in advance, however; I may not be able to post regularly like I did before. šŸ˜¦

      Regards,
      Kat šŸ™‚

      • Hey Kat,
        it’s so nice to hear from you!
        You know you can always email me – I’ll be there. šŸ™‚
        I had a few downs during the last couple of months, but I have worked it out – somehow. Some things cannot be changed and I got another cool opportunity instead.

        I am sorry to know that you are still facing so much bad stuff, but I am so glad that you have more helpers!!! Are you getting better treatment now? If that’s the case, don’t worry about regular posts – there is nothing more important than you getting healthy again and being able to finally kick depression’s ass.

        I am still praying for you every day and I’ll keep it up! You’ll get through this, you are strong and you are a fighter or you wouldn’t be here anymore. I am so glad you are.

        Sending much love and good thoughts to you! God bless you, he’s with you and will get you through this. Remember – not more than you can carry.

        Hugs!
        Julia šŸ™‚

      • I’m sorry to hear about your not-so-good days. But I’m glad to hear that you have worked it out, and are working on it. šŸ™‚ How are you feeling right now, though? Are you feeling better? šŸ™‚

        I do think I’m getting better what with the increased dosage and more people knowing about it; but to be honest I’m overwhelmed by those people always asking about it. I somehow feel that my privacy has been invaded. šŸ˜¦ But I know that they only mean well. So, I’m just trying to get used to other people knowing. Haha.

        Thank you so so much, Julia! šŸ™‚

        Kat

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