I want to be alone right now.
And yes, for the past five days I’ve been alone for most of the time. But, hell. It was not the kind of alone time I was hoping for.
I have done nothing but waste my time and life (or my lack thereof) away.
I binged on watching this web series Carmilla. I would like to recommend it to you people, especially if you like strong female characters. And lesbians. Gay strong female characters. Vampires. Sarcasm. And well, lesbians. You know the best part? It ruined my life. So, let me tell you, watch at your own risk.
I think I have told you guys before about this problem I have where I pretty much spend my life day dreaming and not really participating in what they call “real life.” So you know, I try hard to not think about things and feel things and just not let myself be lost in my own world. I should have known that watching and obssessing over a show pretty much seals my coffin down.
So, that was my five days in summary.
Also, I have been neglecting human duties: duties as a student clinician; duties as a good daughter and a sibling; duties as a friend, team mate, and aquiantance; duties as a good citizen of my country; and most importantly, my duties as the primary caregiver and pilot of this ship I call my ugly body.
I can’t remember the last time I took a bath. Or the last time I brushed my teeth. Yes, feel free to be disgusted. I am, too.
I can’t remember the last time I took my meds. I just took one a while ago, after forgetting about it for 5 days or so.
I can’t remember the last decent meal I had (KFC and McDonald’s are lifesavers, literally; albeit unhealthy). Also I couldn’t much of what I ordered (thank Heavens for the internet and fast food chains that deliver food to your doorstep), because every time I put something in my mouth I feel like throwing up. Warghurgh.
It’s just I can’t bring myself to look after my well-being; partly because I just can’t, partly because I don’t want to. I think it’s one of my self-destructive behaviors.
Right now the only thing I could do about it is watch my body rot slowly and feel the pain (a growling stomach for my waking alarm was quite nice).
So, to summarize this summary:
1. I really should not allow myself to feel any sort of emotion if I want to survive thia world.
2. But maybe, I don’t want to survive.
3. I’m feeding the monster inside me and it definitely doesn’t help.
4. Also, headaches.
5. I want to be alone.