How to fall back on square one in just five days: a guide by me and my demon

I want to be alone right now.
And yes, for the past five days I’ve been alone for most of the time. But, hell. It was not the kind of alone time I was hoping for.

I have done nothing but waste my time and life (or my lack thereof) away.
I binged on watching this web series Carmilla. I would like to recommend it to you people, especially if you like strong female characters. And lesbians. Gay strong female characters. Vampires. Sarcasm. And well, lesbians. You know the best part? It ruined my life. So, let me tell you, watch at your own risk.

I think I have told you guys before about this problem I have where I pretty much spend my life day dreaming and not really participating in what they call “real life.” So you know, I try hard to not think about things and feel things and just not let myself be lost in my own world. I should have known that watching and obssessing over a show pretty much seals my coffin down.

So, that was my five days in summary.

Also, I have been neglecting human duties: duties as a student clinician; duties as a good daughter and a sibling; duties as a friend, team mate, and aquiantance; duties as a good citizen of my country; and most importantly, my duties as the primary caregiver and pilot of this ship I call my ugly body.

I can’t remember the last time I took a bath. Or the last time I brushed my teeth. Yes, feel free to be disgusted. I am, too.

I can’t remember the last time I took my meds. I just took one a while ago, after forgetting about it for 5 days or so.

I can’t remember the last decent meal I had (KFC and McDonald’s are lifesavers, literally; albeit unhealthy). Also I couldn’t much of what I ordered (thank Heavens for the internet and fast food chains that deliver food to your doorstep), because every time I put something in my mouth I feel like throwing up. Warghurgh.

It’s just I can’t bring myself to look after my well-being; partly because I just can’t, partly because I don’t want to. I think it’s one of my self-destructive behaviors.

Right now the only thing I could do about it is watch my body rot slowly and feel the pain (a growling stomach for my waking alarm was quite nice).

So, to summarize this summary:
1. I really should not allow myself to feel any sort of emotion if I want to survive thia world.
2. But maybe, I don’t want to survive.
3. I’m feeding the monster inside me and it definitely doesn’t help.
4. Also, headaches.
5. I want to be alone.

-KP
Dec15’14

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9 thoughts on “How to fall back on square one in just five days: a guide by me and my demon

  1. Seems that you sank right into that show, doesn’t it? Maybe speak to your psych about it – if you really have longer phases in which you sort of “switch off”, this could have something to do with the medication.

    Did you get a bit of strength during the last few days? Try and eat lots of fruit and veggie – most of it can be eaten raw (apples, bananas, oranges … you probably have more than we do at the moment. πŸ˜‰ ). The won’t feel your stomach very long, but you’re doing something good. Oh, and try and keep a water bottle nearby! That way you won’t reach for coke. πŸ˜‰ Everybody has phases during which he/she eats a lot of processed food – I love salty snacks and until last year, I didn’t drink enough during the day, so that wasn’t a very healthy decision either. πŸ˜‰

    It fits that you don’t like to look in the mirror right now – that’s the depression again.

    DON’T beat yourself up now, please. But I really like the idea of a demon, by the way – could we name him (or her)? Maybe that would make it easier to differenciate between the depression and yourself? Because you are not the depression!

    Lots of love to you! (you know I am praying for you, I hope that’s still okay).

    You are not disgusting. You are a beautiful person. πŸ™‚

    • Julia, thank you, again. I think I’ll never get tired of thanking you the same way you’re not getting tired of pulling me up. πŸ™‚

      I will talk to my psych soon. I haven’t seen him in almost a month now. But I’ll try to contact him. Haha

      You know what, the idea of naming my demon(s), a.k.a. my depression and anxiety, is actually interesting. Not sure if it would help or not but it’s worth a try. πŸ˜€ However, I can’t think of a name. So… may you do the honors of giving them a name?

      All the best,

      Kat

      • Neverrrrrr! πŸ˜‰

        I don’t know whether naming would help – maybe it really can signify the difference between the sickness and your personality (oh, it’s YOU again … What do you want?”). Everybody’s depression is different and unique (because we all are – I think sometimes that this is quite ironic), but I think you can try out many names. Maybe you can think of anxiety and depression in animal terms? What do your thoughts do? What animal do they resemble? If anxiety grabs and chokes you, maybe a big snake? Or if you get pangs of it ~ maybe a scorpio?

        After I had finished my master thesis, I went on holiday and didn’t read a lot for a couple of days. My brain was still so used to constant thinking, that it acted like a small, very, very hectic animal, jumping from here to there and back again .. I named it “lemming”, eventually, and since then, it’s easier to recognize this feeling and easier to deal with it.

        You don’t have to have a name! think of anxiety and depression as little monsters and describe them!

        Here is an older text of mine (not verbatim):
        “Think of your soul as a tooth, made of ivory. Depression is a white, little furry animal, with huge, sad black eyes.

        As long as you are happy, the soul is healthy and its walls are smooth and shiny. When you have a bad day, cracks and nooks start to form, and the depression uses this to climb into your soul. When it has reached the top, it starts nagging and digging a way into the core, then rolls itself into a ball in the middle of your soul and goes to sleep …”

        You are a good writer, you will find pictures for that. And pictures make it easier to make yourself understood. You will be able to find words. And you will be able to deal with it again. πŸ™‚

        Hugs to you!

  2. Dear Kat,

    I hope you are alright. I pray that you are alive and that you are still breathing and here. I hope you’re okay wherever you are. I wish you tons of strength and send you lots of love and good thoughts. God bless you.

    I hope you are still here.
    You friend
    Julia

    • Hey, Julia. I am deeply sorry for making you worry. I know I should have at least informed you that I am fine, as far as physical health goes, haha.
      This is not a rhetorical question, nor a real question at all so you don’t need to answer this. But, I’ve been wondering why you keep on thinking of me. Not that it’s bad. And it’s not that I don’t think of you in turn; quite the opposite, really, and I kind of missed talking to you, so. πŸ™‚ I just find it hard to believe that someone far away, a real person, and someone who lives her life, bothers to think of me.
      No matter how much grateful to you I am for that (and I really really really am thankful!), I don’t want you to worry about me. I don’t want anyone to do so.

      Anyway, again, I’m sorry. And thank you. You’re really a wonderful person. I wish I could thank you in person. Or give you something in return (I like giving gifts to people; things that remind me of them somehow. I’m still thinking on what to give you in the future haha). But for now, I hope, a simple choice of words would suffice.

      Sending love all the way from Asia,
      Kat.

  3. You won’t believe how happy I am right now. I am so, so glad that you are alive. you just made my day, thanks so, so much!!!! πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

    You asked why I keep thinking of you: Because I’ve sort of been there and know what it’s like and how sh*tty it is when you feel there’s no one around.

    The thing is, I had people at my side who were with me all the time. And, you know – if I hadn’t had these people … it would have been a lot worse.

    That’s why I’m thinking of you and keep praying for you and why I will never tire to “pull you up”, as you called it. Because you once wrote that it is very, very difficult for you and that you don’t have people around you to help. Because the health system in your country makes you pay for everything you need right now yourself.

    I am so sure (and I AM sure, promise!), that you will get well again and that you will come out of your own, personal hell stronger and wiser and more experienced. You WILL make it. And if I can help you in the slightest, then maybe I can give back at least a litle bit of what I received when I needed it. I can’t do more. But I will always be here, reading and answering. I have your back. You’ll get out.

    I was worried that my postings would put more pressure on you, that you’d feel bad because you didn’t write. You don’t have to write if you can’t or don’t have the energy. Don’t worry about that, kay? πŸ™‚

    I’m going to bed now – happy. πŸ™‚ I’m glad you’re alive and that you’re here.

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