What Tomorrow Brings – I May Not Find Out

This week had its ups and downs. And I know I’m being unfair to myself, but right now all I could feel, all I could think of and remember, are my failures.

I managed to fuck up my schooling yet again by being late this Wednesday (which I kind of did on purpose. I intended not to attend at all but changed my mind at the very last minute. Bam. Forty Minutes late.) then today, Thursday, I woke up late so I missed school yet again.

I’m also not yet done with my written reports due last week. And I still had the audacity to prioritize writing this post.

The times I spent staring off into nothingness couldn’t be counted by hand. I bet the number’s higher than the number of hair on my head.

And speaking of hair. Every strand seemed eager to get far away from me as possible. I think I have never seen the floor clean this week because my hair was everywhere.

And then there’s my coping method which included cutting, downing pills, and now, drinking alcohol.

Yep. Okay. I’m just going to go out for a while to buy gin. And then I’d drink myself to sleep.

Not that I hate my life right now, I’ve been in situations worse than this; but holy crowd, I wish I don’t wake up tomorrow.

 

 

Dec04’14

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8 thoughts on “What Tomorrow Brings – I May Not Find Out

  1. I am sorry that you’re feeling so low. I do hope that you get some assistance to bring you out of what sounds like serious depression.

    • My psych isn’t responding to my texts. I’m paranoid he doesn’t want to see me anymore. After all, I don’t pay for my sessions because I’m a student of the school (affiliated with the hospital) he’s working under.
      Anyway, thank you for your sentiments.

  2. It’s probably too late now, but:

    Don’t drink. I know it’s tempting (although I don’t drink per se, I just don’t like the taste) – but all you’ll get from it is a big fat hangover and you’ll feel worse than you feel now.

    Don’t drink. Don’t do drugs. DON’T HARM YOURSELF. Please, please, please, don’t harm yourself. this will pull you deeper and deeper into the dark, and soon you’ll have a totally different kind of shit to deal with in addition to the depression.

    Make yourself an emergency kit. with music. chocolate. A teddy bear. a blanket. a bible if you want to. the emergency number of your country, there has to be a special number in your country you can phone when you have a panic attack, a depression attack … stuff like this. Your crochet hook and some wool. Pen and paper. Your camera. Calming scents (LAVENDER).

    If there is the urge to get boozed or to harm yourself, call that emergency number. Write it all down, throw up on the page, let it go. listen to music until you cry. Crying is good, it lets everything out. Do art. Eat chocolate. Crochet. Crocheting WILL help you get through the depression.

    DO SPORTS. I know you don’t probably feel like it, but get running. There is energy and it has to go somewhere. Sports will get endorphins flowing which is good and it will make you feel better.

    Take a bath.

    PLEASE talk to your psych about this. there can be a thousand reasons why he doesn’t respond right now.

    Don’t beat yourself up about what you couldn’t do.

    You are a beautiful person, from the inside, and, I’m sure, also out. You are God’s image, remember that. Nothing can take that away. God loves you. You are loved, always. Also now. The love does never end.

    Do not cut yourself.

    Don’t go.

    • Julia,

      I am fine, don’t worry. Please.
      I just… I don’t know why you take time and check up on me when I clearly don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve anyone’s time.

      But I’m fine. Just had a drink to help me sleep. Because I couldn’t a few hours ago.

      Thank you, once again. Really really really really, thank you.

      • You do deserve all that, I promise you. Very much. I’m glad you’re here. Check on herb tea next time. 😉 Something with camomile and hop (hop is always great for women, because of estrogen, I was told once. Check whether it fiddles with your meds before you take it!

        I’m glad you’re here. Stay safe, okay? Tomorrow is a new day and just take one day at a time. You will make it through.

        I don’t know what time it is now in your part of the world – but if it’s night, I wish you a couple of hours of sleep. And if it’s daytime, I wish you strength and courage to get through your day. Tomorrow will be better.

        🙂 Sending lots of good thoughts to you. 🙂

      • If you were here with me, I would have hugged you with all I have. I don’t know how to thank you, seriously. But, I really really don’t want to worry you. So I apologize for being reckless sometimes.

      • Even though you don’t like it that much right now (has that changed yet, by the way?) Thank you for your trust! It’s alright about the worrying. Really. As I have said before – no pressure here, okay? If I am worried, this is my problem, not yours. Just reach out and don’t curl yourself in.

        I am glad that I can write you and I am really, really happy that it seems to help you. Maybe this will help you the next time you’re falling into the darkness: Depression is one of the best-researched mental illnesses at the moment. It CAN be cured and you WILL get out of it.

        Do good stuff. Eat healthy. Sleep. Drink lots of water 😉 . Do what you love or what you enjoyed before.

        You’ll get out. Take one day at a time and remember – every day you survive is a battle won. You’re stronger and braver than you might think now. Really. 🙂

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