Stupid Things I Did Today

Okay, so I have stated a few weeks ago that I’m trying to stand up and live my life again. But it seems I still have to fall down many times before I could finally climb out of this hell hole.

I’ve done stupid things for the past week, and am still doing them. Don’t ask me why, I don’t know why I’m doing them. A part of me wants to build my whole being again but another part just crashes and ruins anything that I’m trying so hard to put together. It’s like making a sand castle on the beach, but stupidly building it too close to the water that it’s just never completed.

I ditched my clinical duties. Again. And again. And again. What’s new? I ought not to do this very thing that got me delayed (for my graduation) but here I am, typing away on this post instead of being present at a hospital.

As some of you might know, I’m taking Tramadol HCl for recreational purposes. It was a bad thing to do, even before I started on my anti-depressants. But when I started taking my meds, I knew I had to stop taking Tramadol to avoid it messing with my meds (and consequently, how my brain and hormones react to it). However, being the butt crack that I am, I still continue with consuming all the pills I have in my hand. I know I’m not addicted to it. I depend on it, yes (because of the shit called restless legs syndrome – one of Tramadol’s withdrawal symptoms). And I think I will continue on taking this drug.

Speaking of drugs, I may or may not have (hint: I have) added Dextromethorphan HBr to the list of drugs I’m currently taking. Along with Sertraline, Tramdol, and occasionally, Diphenhydramine, and paracetamol. Half of what I take I take with the doctor’s prescription. Half of them I’m not so sure. Okay so by now anyone reading this would definitely label me as stupid; let me tell you this: you’re not the only one. Tell me about it, sister.

Those are some of the bad habits I’m trying to shake off my system. But they were stuck with me for a long time I’m having a hard time peeling them off.

I know that by doing these things, I’m not really helping myself; but instead digging the hole I’m in deeper and deeper.

But, can’t I just… not care anymore?

I wish getting up is as easy as falling down. I’d have no problem being like a yoyo (though that could be a problem too), just so I could experience being high up on the ground every once in a while.

-KP

Nov25’14

 

P.S. Also being high on tram and dex helped tremendously in making all the grammatical errors found in this writing. 0/10 would not recommend.

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5 thoughts on “Stupid Things I Did Today

  1. One day at a time, one step at a time… Maybe try doing one good thing for yourself each day — like drink lots of water, eat some chocolate, meditate…whatever makes you feel you deserve better. Not sure if that helps at all, but hang in there!

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