Okay I lied.

So I didn’t come in to school today. And yesterday. That’s 2 out of 6 allowed absences for this rotation.

But gosh, was it so easy to escape reality.

I wish I could stop my shaking hands somehow.

I thought I could do this thing. I believed I could do this thing.

I got up from the bed. I took a bath.

Then I decided not to go outside. Pretend I was sick.

Maybe I really am sick, just a different kind of sick.

What a waste of time I am!

Oh my, what a time to be alive!

-Nov18’14

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9 thoughts on “Okay I lied.

  1. Routine helps. Are you living alone or is there anywhere you could go to where there is an established routine? Fixed meal times and stuff?

    Routine will help you to feel less overwhelmed, because there is a plan and the better you know what’s happening when the easier it will be to cope, because you can can use this “schedule” as a pathway through your day. Because you know what happens when you’ll be able to do stuff, because you will now what comes afterwards.

    If you are living alone, try to find a way to establish such a routine (maybe talk to your psych about that, he’ll have some of ideas, I’m sure!), maybe write a schedule and pin it on the fridge.

    Eat healthy, get REST (even if you cannot sleep, rest your body – maybe try and listen to some nature sounds like rain) and drink plenty of water. (No drugs! Not only because of the medication!!!!!)

    You are not a failure.
    And you are not a disappointment to anybody. If your parents give you that feeling it is THEIR fault, not YOURS. You have a depression and that is NOT something you could “cope” with just as simple as that (otherwise you wouldn’t be on medication). Even if it feels different. You are not “pretending” to be miserable or “trying to be more interesting” or whateve bullshit some people might give you. I promise.

    You are not a failure.
    And you are not weak.

    You will get better and you will be whole again. It may take a while, but I’m so sure that this will happen, even though it may not seem like that now. Don’t try to plan ahead much if that’s not possible. One day at a time.

    You are not a waste of time.
    I’m glad to know that you are still here. πŸ™‚

    Don’t give up. Tomorrow is a new day. And tomorrow you will be strong enough to drag yourself to school.

    LOTS OF LOVE!

    If you need me, I’m there. You still got my emailadress?

    • Yeah, the psych did tell me to make a schedule of sorts.
      But as we both know, making schedules/plans is one thing, and following them is another. Haha.
      I’m really good at making plans. Lists. Schedules. But I can’t follow them; even the simplest tasks on my ‘to do’ list I couldn’t check off.

      It’s getting harder and harder, Julia. 😦 I often catch myself staring off into space; and before I know it, bam! 15 minutes has passed with me doing nothing but think (or not think).

      It’s really just frustrating.

      I told my psych about this and he increased the dosage of my medication. It would have been okay, if not for the fact that anti-depressant medication costs me an arm and my soul. 😦 I couldn’t help but feel guilty about my parents spending money on something like this. My father gave me 2 months to sort my shit out, before he ‘pulls the plug’ on my medication. I do understand that it’s not what he wants, but we really couldn’t afford it (psych told me I’d have to take those meds for about a year. A year!).

      I don’t know (I think I forgot haha) what my point is in this. It’s just… confusing, frustrating, and tiring; you know? 😦

      While you can’t help me financially, you being by my side is more than enough of a help from you. I couldn’t thank you enough.

      (P.S. someday when I am finally able to fly to US, maybe we could meet for coffee or something. My treat. πŸ™‚ oh but wait, am I right? You’re from the States, right?)

      • I am so, so sorry because of this. I know it’s hard. Your mind is exhausted (probably) and that’s why it takes these “time outs”. It often gets harder before it gets better – there will be times when your day has been sort of okay and then you’ll have an appointment with your psych and you’ll walk out feeling like sh*t. But it will get better, it will. It’s a bit like cleaning out a wound – that hurts, too, but it will get better in the end.
        I don’t know where you live of course (and you don’t have to tell me!), but it’s a really, really shitty system in most countries that there is no or very little public health service … Aside from the fact that medication like this is often not paid for (or not enough). [Aside: you didn’t chose to get depressive. I’m pretty sure that you’d trade it soon enough. Don’t feel guilty. If your parents rub it into your face that it’s YOUR fault then … I am sorry that your relationship isn’t better. I really, really am. Is there anyone around you who supports you? Family member other than your parents?]

        You know, it might seem like a cruel jape, but I have come to the notion that God never puts more on our shoulders than we can acutally carry. If you have the depression now, you ARE capable of dealing with it. You will have a better understanding of yourself when you’re healthy again and you will also grow some sort of “antenna” for knowing when others around you suffer from it. (I think I’ve told you before).

        You will get through this, I am really, really sure of that. Crocheting helps, because it is a flow activity and you accomplish something with every stitch. Writing may help, but can also stir everything up again. I wish you strength to go to school, I really do. You are not alone.

        By the way: Thank you so much for the compliment (I was a bit flattered, truth be told) – but I am not from the U.S,’m European. So you don’t have to spent a fortune on a plane ticket to come and see me. πŸ˜‰ But I always thought that you were from the U.S.?

      • Thank you for your words – really really really thank you. If I were alone in our apartment I’d print out all of what you have told me and glue them on the walls.

        My older brother perceives depression as I do – so he talks to my parents from time to time to make them understand more my situation. I never thanked him explicitly but I know I’ll forever be grateful to him. Haha.

        Ohhh. But I want to go to Europe one day! If I’m still alive, by that time, that is haha. No but seriously, I would like to meet you one day and thank you personally for all the help you gave me.
        I’m not from the US. I’m from somewhere in South East Asia. Heh. πŸ™‚

      • Team up with your brother! Just tell him how thankful you are for his support and maybe he can help you through a lot of this.

        I am glad that my words help you. I am often unsure how to put what I want to tell you, because I do not want to drone or preach. If you’d really want to keep the replies (I’d be honoured!), maybe you could copy them into a text document, print them out small and put them into a journal? πŸ˜‰

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