even writing this one took me a lot of effort.

“Don’t be a stranger.”

My heart broke at the last line of her message. And I’m definitely sure hers did, too, when she typed out those words.

I felt like the fibers of the thread connecting us had somewhat been torn; and now, only a single fiber binds us. Our friendship is hanging by a thread. 

I am losing our friendship. I’m losing her.

And it’s my fault. It really is. She had done her part, and I haven’t done mine. It’s simple, really.

Just don’t be a stranger. 

 

I am lucky to have made a few friends online. I met some of them through Tumblr, and the others, on here. It’s truly amazing how the internet, an abstract thing, could do so much; from relaying and sharing information, to making long distance relationships (romantic and otherwise) happen.

I met her through Tumblr. I can’t remember who said what first but we became friends fast.

I guess I could say that she’s different from all the other people I made friends with through that site, because we were able to take our friendship beyond the Blue Background. The others, well… I really don’t know what or how the others are doing right now.

It’s sad, thinking about it now, how many friendships I’ve lost because I became a stranger to them.

Because I let myself be a stranger.

 

This friend (let’s call her M) and I have been talking via email, since I don’t visit Tumblr that much anymore (my attention and time was diverted to WordPress, where I made friends/acquaintances yet again). And, being the inconsistent idiot that I am, our conversations shifted from recounting our days to each other, to mere ‘how are you?’s. I don’t know what exactly happened, but I think it was because I didn’t open my mail as much as I wanted. I think it’s because I started to get overwhelmed at the mere thought of checking my mail. It’s ridiculous, really.

 

Months passed, before I was able to check up on her again and vice versa. I apologized profusely for my absence, and she said it was okay.

She said it was okay, when it shouldn’t be okay. I shouldn’t be forgiven just like that.

I felt ashamed, for doing such a thing to her. At the same time, I felt lucky for still having her as a friend despite months of not having so much as a “hi” nor a “hello” from me.

 

But but but but but.

 

I’m doing it again. And now, I’m doing it not just to her, but to all of my friends, real-life friends included.

I guess I could say that I’m isolating myself.

 

Some people on here might have noticed my lack of new posts. That’s because I haven’t been able to visit my blog and the others’ as well. I still also can’t find this thing (motivation, maybe?) to write. Or when I start to write, I don’t finish them off. I can’t. There are actually posts pending in the drafts section. Most frustrating of all, I haven’t replied to any comments thrown my way and/or talked to anyone on here for weeks already.

 

M, my friend, have yet to receive my response.

 

My real-life friends are asking if I’m still alive.

 

 

To be honest, I don’t know why I’m doing this – Isolating myself.

 

 

I still don’t know what to tell M. I guess I should apologize, and thank her for remembering my birthday, and congratulate her on getting her driver’s licence. I know I should write her a much-needed explanation for my behavior.

I still don’t know what to write on here. I still don’t know what to tell people asking me if I’m okay. I don’t know what to tell them. But I know that I should at least tell people, especially those who I talk to the most on here, that they don’t need to worry about me.

I still don’t know what to do with my real-life friends. I do talk to some of them (only via sms), but even that is getting harder and harder for me to do. I’ve turned down most of their invitations to hang out. I know I should at least ask them how they’re doing. Or at least try to hang out with them. They’re my friends, after all. It shouldn’t overwhelm me.

 

 

So now, I would like to express my deepest apologies, to anyone on here that I haven’t talked to as of late; especially to my friend and fellow blogger Julia, who worried (and might still be worrying) a great lot about me. And to the others who I might have ignored. Please do understand that it is not my intention to take anyone, and also my own blog, for granted. I have no plans of abandoning my blog, even if it might seem so.

 

And now, I’m off to write my letter of apology/gratitude to M. I just hope that it’s still not too late.

 

-KP

Sep10’14

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9 thoughts on “even writing this one took me a lot of effort.

  1. Don’t worry. Those of us who follow you here understand that sometimes you come and go. I do look forward to seeing you pop back:-) but that doesn’t mean I ask anything of you. I think online friendships can often be passing things – intense for a while, then fade away. I know what you mean about email boxes! I noticed this when I started with wordpress and edited my settings so that I got less. Your real friends – online or actual – will stay around for you. My oldest friend hears from me maybe two or three times a year by email. He’s lived abroad for many years, but comes back for a week every year. He always gets in touch to meet up, and I make a point of carving out time for him. Do whatever it takes to look after yourself, and don’t worry about what others might think

  2. I think you should definitely include a link to this posting here. It explains a lot.

    Don’t worry about being “ridiculous” – sometimes it really IS too much to open and answer an email, a blog account, tumblr, anything. It can become exhausting, mostly, because we think we “have” to be connected to everybody.

    I have friendships that include some quiet times as well. I haven’t got a lot of friends – three close ones, to be honest, and only one of them lives here, and she is busy with real life right now.

    Have you ever read “Howard’s End”? The unofficial motto is “only connect”, but sometimes a connection – a bond – can exist for quite some time without a “fuel” for it.

    I think about you every night when I write down my prayers. I ask God to protect you, to give you strength and optimism, to be at your side and to help you out with whatever you need most now.

    Don’t worry about me. I was hoping you were okay. I won’t ever be mad at you. I will wait and pray for you and check whether you have found the strength to post something new. 🙂 No pressure.

    I wish you all the best!!! You’ll get back to bloggin when you find the strength for it 🙂

    • Julia, I don’t even know how to thank you for all the goodness and kindness you have given me. You are an amazing person.

      I am a quiet person by nature, so my friends irl don’t really expect a lot from me. What frustrates me is just the thought of me being rude to my friends online by not dropping by as much as I would like.

      But, as it is, I want to thank you and all the others for understanding me. I am really really really lucky to have such kind friends/acquaintances/followers.

      Thank you so much. 🙂

  3. As others have already said, many friendships don’t need much fuel, just a quick hello every so often. One of my college friends I haven’t talked to in over a year, but I know that at any moment we could send each other an email, and things would spark right up again. Don’t be too hard on yourself, just celebrate all you’ve accomplished!

    • I do agree with you. It’s just that I think online friendships are harder to maintain because being online is one of the only things that connects you with the person. The reason why I don’t text my real life friends often is because I know that I’ll see them when I see them (but I fail even in hanging out with them so I guess I have to work on that). I don’t have that reassurance with my online friends, so I guess that’s why I feel guilty when I don’t go online as much as I used to.

      But…

      I don’t know what my point is in that last paragraph.
      I guess what I have to work on now is balance my time between friends and myself? Haha I don’t know.

      Okay ignore me I suddenly forgot what I’m trying to say here, I’m sorry.

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