“Don’t be a stranger.”
My heart broke at the last line of her message. And I’m definitely sure hers did, too, when she typed out those words.
I felt like the fibers of the thread connecting us had somewhat been torn; and now, only a single fiber binds us. Our friendship is hanging by a thread.
I am losing our friendship. I’m losing her.
And it’s my fault. It really is. She had done her part, and I haven’t done mine. It’s simple, really.
Just don’t be a stranger.
I am lucky to have made a few friends online. I met some of them through Tumblr, and the others, on here. It’s truly amazing how the internet, an abstract thing, could do so much; from relaying and sharing information, to making long distance relationships (romantic and otherwise) happen.
I met her through Tumblr. I can’t remember who said what first but we became friends fast.
I guess I could say that she’s different from all the other people I made friends with through that site, because we were able to take our friendship beyond the Blue Background. The others, well… I really don’t know what or how the others are doing right now.
It’s sad, thinking about it now, how many friendships I’ve lost because I became a stranger to them.
Because I let myself be a stranger.
This friend (let’s call her M) and I have been talking via email, since I don’t visit Tumblr that much anymore (my attention and time was diverted to WordPress, where I made friends/acquaintances yet again). And, being the inconsistent idiot that I am, our conversations shifted from recounting our days to each other, to mere ‘how are you?’s. I don’t know what exactly happened, but I think it was because I didn’t open my mail as much as I wanted. I think it’s because I started to get overwhelmed at the mere thought of checking my mail. It’s ridiculous, really.
Months passed, before I was able to check up on her again and vice versa. I apologized profusely for my absence, and she said it was okay.
She said it was okay, when it shouldn’t be okay. I shouldn’t be forgiven just like that.
I felt ashamed, for doing such a thing to her. At the same time, I felt lucky for still having her as a friend despite months of not having so much as a “hi” nor a “hello” from me.
But but but but but.
I’m doing it again. And now, I’m doing it not just to her, but to all of my friends, real-life friends included.
I guess I could say that I’m isolating myself.
Some people on here might have noticed my lack of new posts. That’s because I haven’t been able to visit my blog and the others’ as well. I still also can’t find this thing (motivation, maybe?) to write. Or when I start to write, I don’t finish them off. I can’t. There are actually posts pending in the drafts section. Most frustrating of all, I haven’t replied to any comments thrown my way and/or talked to anyone on here for weeks already.
M, my friend, have yet to receive my response.
My real-life friends are asking if I’m still alive.
To be honest, I don’t know why I’m doing this – Isolating myself.
I still don’t know what to tell M. I guess I should apologize, and thank her for remembering my birthday, and congratulate her on getting her driver’s licence. I know I should write her a much-needed explanation for my behavior.
I still don’t know what to write on here. I still don’t know what to tell people asking me if I’m okay. I don’t know what to tell them. But I know that I should at least tell people, especially those who I talk to the most on here, that they don’t need to worry about me.
I still don’t know what to do with my real-life friends. I do talk to some of them (only via sms), but even that is getting harder and harder for me to do. I’ve turned down most of their invitations to hang out. I know I should at least ask them how they’re doing. Or at least try to hang out with them. They’re my friends, after all. It shouldn’t overwhelm me.
So now, I would like to express my deepest apologies, to anyone on here that I haven’t talked to as of late; especially to my friend and fellow blogger Julia, who worried (and might still be worrying) a great lot about me. And to the others who I might have ignored. Please do understand that it is not my intention to take anyone, and also my own blog, for granted. I have no plans of abandoning my blog, even if it might seem so.
And now, I’m off to write my letter of apology/gratitude to M. I just hope that it’s still not too late.