I don’t want to be hugged. All I can think of when I think about being hugged is ‘ew’, not because I’m grossed out by it, but because I don’t know how to respond to it. I guess my more appropriate response to a hug (if you ask me) would be “please don’t touch me. I love you and all but please don’t hug me.”
Now the problem is this:
I don’t know why I react to hugs (or any form of physical contact for that matter) this way. Hugs are nice, really, especially when it comes from the right person. I would give a hug to anyone who would ask for it. I return it when I’m given one. But I always tense up before (yes), during, and after giving and receiving hugs.
A few weeks ago, I met with my friend whom I hadn’t seen in months. She loving to give out hugs, well, embraced me in one (or two, counting the one she gave me when we parted). Naturally, I returned it. I received a few hugs that day, because it was a mini-reunion of sorts.
I was fine that day, really.
But when I got home, and started recalling that day’s events, and remembering all the hugs, I just… I don’t know. My skin started to crawl. I felt like ripping my own skin apart. I kept chanting “no,” “don’t”, and “stop” in my head. While I didn’t freak out, my mind certainly went crazy (for lack of a better word) that night.
It’s not that I don’t like those people. They’re my friends, for freak’s sake.
But… the idea of them hugging me, actually the idea of anyone hugging me, just gives me the creeps.
Does any of you experience the same thing? Should I add it to the list of things I’m going to tell the mental health professional (if I ever go talk to one)? Should I tell my friends about this so we could come up with a compromise? Would they understand my situation, even if I don’t quite understand it myself?
Oh well. More questions yet to be answered. Yay.