I guess one of the causes (as I’m sure there are many) of my depression is my education.
I like to learn things, I do. Try (just try, no pressure) to discover things and life beyond my comprehension, even.
But, as with any other person, there are just certain things we’d like to study about, often related to what we’re passionate about.
Some people like cooking. Some people study culinary arts to become chefs, and others study in their own kitchen, and become cooks in their own right.
Others like science and math. Scientists and Mathematicians. I don’t even want to have a debate with them without a valid argument.
Others, religion. I think they’re called theologians?
My point is, there are people who pursue their dream careers/passion by studying/receiving education as a first step to achieving them.
Then there are others, like me (who didn’t know what she wanted to be when she grew up), who pick a so-so course in college and think it would benefit them in the future.
I was a senior in high school back then. All of my friends knew what they were going to study in college. Being the indecisive asshole that I was (and still am), I didn’t know what I wanted back then.
Actually, no. I wanted to study psychology back then. Not the I-will-kill-for-a-class-slot-for-this kind of want, but at least I wanted something.
So I told my parents about me wanting to take up psychology, in a joking manner, as what I always did (and still do).
“But you’ll get nowhere with that course!” I rolled my eyes. I was right; they were looking for a career that would make more money than my eyes could produce tears.
“Your uncle said ______ would be a good course,” and they proceeded to tell me about how it would make me a rich working girl in no time at all.
Being the obedient girl that I am (or maybe I was just avoiding conflict and possible “shame on you” scenes), I went along with what they wanted. Deep inside, however, I knew that that’s not what I wanted. I didn’t want money. I just wanted to graduate out of college so the whole world would not look down on me. For the others, a college diploma might mean their ticket to a stable life. For me it was my ticket out of society’s judgmental sights and blabbering mouth.
So there, blah blah blah. I was admitted into the program my parents chose for me.
And that’s where my life started to go downhill.
First semester, first year. Finals. I was crying (internally because I’m too ‘strong’ to cry), and was really depressed by this time. It was the first time I hit that kind of low, where you feel like you’re drowning even when you don’t see a droplet of water anywhere near you. I didn’t know why I was sad. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, I just knew I wanted to do something. I felt like my skin was crawling. I felt like I needed to get out of something. I felt like I needed to get out of my life.
From then on
Over time, I realized that I don’t like what I’m studying about. I started to realize that I may be realizing a dream, but it’s not mine. It’s my parents’. Not they don’t want to be clinician like what I’m trying to become, but they like to have a career that pays well.
But hey, it’s just four years of suffering, then I can do whatever I want afterwards.
I was wrong. It’s not just suffering. It’s absolute living in hell. Four years of hell.
Actually, make that five years.
Because of depression, I need to repeat my internship year (fourth year). I was not doing well, my professors said.
And here I am, about to start my fifth year in college in August.
For four years now, I have been suffering from depression. Mainly (and I do believe this) because I’m not walking in the right career path. I am in the right school but with the wrong major.
No, I can’t just change my major now. It’s like throwing my last four years of education away, which is pretty expensive; and you don’t throw away expensive things.
Besides, if someone would ask what I’d like to study now, I still wouldn’t know what my answer would be.
In a span of four years I’ve grown to love music, photography, and psychology (even more), but these things? I don’t want to learn about them in school. I want to learn about them by experiencing them hands-on.
Except maybe the psychology part (too late for that now, though).
I’m still as lost as when I was in high school.