Tell me something I know (but I don’t believe in)

(TW: If you’re not for bad thoughts, you shouldn’t probably read this)

They say words are powerful. My words are failing me right now, and I’m asking you (in the nicest way possible) for yours.

I’m in my hellhole again.

No. Not ‘again’. I’m ‘still’ in this hellhole and I can’t seem to get out of it.

I don’t even know if I do actually want to get out of it.

Maybe I should just… go.

I don’t know.

My heart is weeping in pain, and so is my brain.

My thoughts have turned against me. Even my own words seem to cut me in tiny little pieces right now.

 

I think I’ll never see what it’s like to recover from something so, vicious, so….. I don’t know what I’m saying anymore.

I don’t want to listen to myself when all I could hear are these:

“Don’t even bother getting up.”

“Sleep. And don’t wake up.”

“Loser. You’re never going to graduate in college.”

“End it. END IT!!!”

“They’ll get over you eventually. You’re not that important anyway.”

“Besides, is there really a way aside from this?”

 

I want to hear what others have to say about this.

I have talked to many people and they seem to say one thing: to just ‘hang in there’, and to hold on.

But what if I couldn’t anymore?

The dark side is slowly sucking me in into its depths, and no matter how much I tell myself to calm down, to stop thinking, or to even just … breathe, I couldn’t. I can’t bring myself to listen to what my own mind is telling me, both the good and the bad things.

 

I don’t really know what the point of this is.

I just want it to stop.Stop thinking, stop feeling, stop living.

You know what I want to do right now?

Write a goodbye note.

It’s the least I could do to those who do not know what I’m going through (a.k.a. my family and friends).

At least, after all of these has ended, they’d know.

 

I’m in physical pain right now just by writing this. God, what is wrong with me?

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3 thoughts on “Tell me something I know (but I don’t believe in)

  1. I’ve heard once “this too shall pass”. And it will, if you’ll let it. A pain in itself is not dangerous. The fear before pain is. A helpful thing (even though it’s not easy) that I learned is that sometimes it’s time to stop telling yourself not to suffer. Sometimes it’s time to make yourself a safe space to feel, to cry, to stare at the wall… all of these. There is nothing wrong with you – excuse me but between the lines I’ve read that maybe you’re perceiving yourself as a… bad model of human being – so I repeat: there is nothing wrong with you. You’re alive. What you feel is important. What does “hold on” mean? It’s not a perfect coping – nobody’s capable of that – or an ask for you to pretend to be fine. You don’t need lies and fake smiles, I think. Just give yourself time.

    “Vitamin D. Sunlight. Go
    outside. Get a good night
    of sleep. Not too good.
    Not shades drawn forever
    good. Not like you used to.
    Open the windows.
    Buy more houseplants.
    Breathe. Meditate. (One day,
    you will no longer be
    afraid of being alone
    with your thoughts.)
    Exercise. Actually exercise
    instead of just googling it.
    Eat well. Cook for yourself.
    Organize your closet, the
    garage. Drink plenty of water
    and repeat after me:
    I am not a problem
    to be solved. Repeat after me:
    I am worthy I am worthy I am
    neither the mistake nor
    the punishment. Forget to take
    vitamins. Let the houseplant die.
    Eat spoonfuls of peanut butter.
    Shave your head. Forget
    this poem. It doesn’t matter—
    there is no wrong way
    to remember the grace of your
    own body; no choice
    that can unmake itself.
    There is only now, here,
    look: you are already
    forgiven”.

    – Sierra DeMulder

    If you don’t like anything that I wrote – ignore this. Forget about it. I just wanted to say: your words moved me very deeply. I’d like to lift you up if I could. Too many are suffering.
    I am sending good thoughts.

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