(TW: If you’re not for bad thoughts, you shouldn’t probably read this)
They say words are powerful. My words are failing me right now, and I’m asking you (in the nicest way possible) for yours.
I’m in my hellhole again.
No. Not ‘again’. I’m ‘still’ in this hellhole and I can’t seem to get out of it.
I don’t even know if I do actually want to get out of it.
Maybe I should just… go.
I don’t know.
My heart is weeping in pain, and so is my brain.
My thoughts have turned against me. Even my own words seem to cut me in tiny little pieces right now.
I think I’ll never see what it’s like to recover from something so, vicious, so….. I don’t know what I’m saying anymore.
I don’t want to listen to myself when all I could hear are these:
“Don’t even bother getting up.”
“Sleep. And don’t wake up.”
“Loser. You’re never going to graduate in college.”
“End it. END IT!!!”
“They’ll get over you eventually. You’re not that important anyway.”
“Besides, is there really a way aside from this?”
I want to hear what others have to say about this.
I have talked to many people and they seem to say one thing: to just ‘hang in there’, and to hold on.
But what if I couldn’t anymore?
The dark side is slowly sucking me in into its depths, and no matter how much I tell myself to calm down, to stop thinking, or to even just … breathe, I couldn’t. I can’t bring myself to listen to what my own mind is telling me, both the good and the bad things.
I don’t really know what the point of this is.
I just want it to stop.Stop thinking, stop feeling, stop living.
You know what I want to do right now?
Write a goodbye note.
It’s the least I could do to those who do not know what I’m going through (a.k.a. my family and friends).
At least, after all of these has ended, they’d know.
I’m in physical pain right now just by writing this. God, what is wrong with me?