Different Kind of Running

I want to run away from so many things right now.

I don’t want to go to school. I don’t want to push through with my internship. Yes, it would only take me less than nine months before I graduate out of college, but that means nine months of hell. Nine months of depression, anxiety, and, maybe even suicidal thoughts.

I want to run away from my duties as a student.

I don’t want to see my supervisors and professors. I know they only want the best for me, they only want me to learn enough things for me to be able to handle life outside our university. But I can’t help but think they’re also there to judge me, objectively and subjectively. I always imagine them talking bad things about me in the faculty room, laughing about the way I look, the way I walk, and just everything about me that they find funny.

I don’t want to see any of my friends. Yes, they’re my friends, and for a good reason, too. But seeing them makes me realize how crappy of a friend I’ve been. Also I don’t want to spoil their fun.

I don’t even want to talk to my family right now. Actually, I don’t want to talk to anyone. I feel as if I don’t deserve to be talked to.

I want to run away from people.

I want to live in a place where no one knows me. Maybe live in a studio apartment, never get out, and die of starvation. Or something. It would just be me in that apartment, with my depression and anxiety.

I want to run away from home.

I don’t want to do anything. But at the same time, I want to do something. What that thing is, I don’t know. Who knows, really.

I want to run away from mundane things.

 

I want to run away from my life. And never look back.

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “Different Kind of Running

  1. I am so sorry you are feeling bad right now. One of the things that has helped me in the past has been seeing a therapist. I still call on mine now when I am struggling with depression. I can tell you I have felt exactly how you are feeling. But I also know things will get better. I am saying a prayer for you.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s