When your mind screws you over, run.

Today was an “okay” day. I was feeling okay (not good, but not bad either), until I wasn’t anymore, for no particular reason. It’s like being on a roller coaster, when you suddenly feel the pull of gravity when the ride takes a sudden sharp turn towards the depths of hell

I wanted to cry but I can’t. I wanted to do anything and nothing at the same time. I wanted to stay where I was and run away at the same time. To implode and explode. I wanted to disappear. But I wanted to exist just the same.

It’s only now that I’ve felt this way again. I don’t know what triggered this, but screw it. I feel like I’m back on square one.

I felt like  I needed to do something.

So I ran round the neighborhood. I ran for just around ten minutes because my chest started to ache and I started to have tremors. Nothing new there. At some point I wished to just have a heart attack and be over with life once and for all. But then again, if it were that easy to say goodbye to my life, I would have done so a long time ago.

I decided to just come back home. Next thing I did, I made use of the punching bag that was just hanging around (and being useless just like me). Threw a punch here and there. The pain in my chest didn’t stop, so I took a break once in a while. I stopped after fifteen minutes and considered myself a loser and a weakling for having low endurance.

 

I’m still being restless (I realized just now, that’s one of the things I’m feeling right now), even now.

I wish I could just cry this out. But I can’t cry, no matter how much I want to, and I don’t know why.

I wish I could just write a poem, or write a story, or write anything, anything aside from this, really.

I wish I could listen to happy songs, but I always end up listening to Gary Barlow’s Dying Inside (which is a really sad song, but a good one still).

 

I don’t know what to do still, right now.

And I think I’m off to do stupid things, again.

I might need a Band-aid and a good night’s sleep later on.

 

Jun13’14

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4 thoughts on “When your mind screws you over, run.

  1. Believe me, I know how hard it is to be positive, trying to change your outlook on life. This mental illness just screws things up, bad. You have to fight. Fight like people not in your position will never understand. Every single day is a battle. But you have to get out of bed every day and say “I’m going to win this one”. Even if it is a small victory, ever so small. Grab it with all you can. Use it. Use it to tell yourself how strong you are. The next day, another small victory, doesn’t have to be a big one. Things that normal people just take for granted. Look at that pill bottle and think, I don’t need that right now, and move on. You may come back around to them later in the day and take one, but for that small moment of passing them up, you scored a victory for yourself. That’s a win. Look at the blades, fight that feeling for a moment and move on. A win. You may come around to them later in the day, but for that moment earlier, you scored a victory. Realize that we don’t win everything. You may pass on something and win, then come back around later and do it. You can’t win them all. But maybe tomorrow you’ll pass on them twice in the day instead of just the once. Look around you at all the wins you get in a day. Hell, keep a journal of them. Write them down and be proud of even the smallest of them. Look at the 15 minutes on the bag as a win, not a loss. Many folks couldn’t even manage the 15 minutes. Write it down in the win journal. Maybe later on in the week, try for 18 minutes. Write the 3 extra minutes down in the win journal. They don’t have to be big wins, however small they are, still wins. You’ll find your outlook ever so slowly changing from I’m a loser because I only made it around the block running to I’m a winner because I was able to make it around the block once. It’s a point of view thing, and it is extremely hard to change, I know it is. It isn’t something that changes overnight. I’m not making it out to be a quick fix or a simple thing to accomplish. I fought with it for a very long time, but you can do it. I have faith in you.

      • Harder than most people could possibly understand. But I know you have it in you, I can tell by your writing, your topics. Take the small victories as they come. I’d even love to read about them. Do a post that talks about the little wins for the day. I bet the feedback you get from the rest of the blogging community would be awesome. You do one and I’ll do one. Or I’ll go first, whichever. We can work on it together.

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