Today was an “okay” day. I was feeling okay (not good, but not bad either), until I wasn’t anymore, for no particular reason. It’s like being on a roller coaster, when you suddenly feel the pull of gravity when the ride takes a sudden sharp turn towards the depths of hell
I wanted to cry but I can’t. I wanted to do anything and nothing at the same time. I wanted to stay where I was and run away at the same time. To implode and explode. I wanted to disappear. But I wanted to exist just the same.
It’s only now that I’ve felt this way again. I don’t know what triggered this, but screw it. I feel like I’m back on square one.
I felt like I needed to do something.
So I ran round the neighborhood. I ran for just around ten minutes because my chest started to ache and I started to have tremors. Nothing new there. At some point I wished to just have a heart attack and be over with life once and for all. But then again, if it were that easy to say goodbye to my life, I would have done so a long time ago.
I decided to just come back home. Next thing I did, I made use of the punching bag that was just hanging around (and being useless just like me). Threw a punch here and there. The pain in my chest didn’t stop, so I took a break once in a while. I stopped after fifteen minutes and considered myself a loser and a weakling for having low endurance.
I’m still being restless (I realized just now, that’s one of the things I’m feeling right now), even now.
I wish I could just cry this out. But I can’t cry, no matter how much I want to, and I don’t know why.
I wish I could just write a poem, or write a story, or write anything, anything aside from this, really.
I wish I could listen to happy songs, but I always end up listening to Gary Barlow’s Dying Inside (which is a really sad song, but a good one still).
I don’t know what to do still, right now.
And I think I’m off to do stupid things, again.
I might need a Band-aid and a good night’s sleep later on.