What to do?

Some people have ways to distract themselves from self-harming; or have alternatives to self-harm.

I don’t. Aside from writing, that is.

 

I tried hitting a punching bag. Didn’t really help me; at least in this matter.

I tried running/jogging, but I’m not that fit for running so instead I always got crazy palpitations and deprived-of-oxygen calves.

I can’t curl up under a comforter or even a blanket, because it’s hot where I live.

I can’t divert my attention to a book; I just keep on reading the same paragraph over and over.

I don’t want to focus on my breathing, because I find it harder to breathe when I’m hyper aware of my breathing.

I used to snap my wrist with a rubber band, but then I realized (I read it somewhere) Β it’s just another form of self-harming; and what I want is to take my mind off of it.

I sometimes listen to music; but I almost always end up listening to sad/melancholic songs, in turn making me more depressed.

 

Right now I can handle my urges to self-harm. I don’t seem to have them these past few months, anyway.

I handle my depression by writing. But aside from that, I do Β nothing.

What I don’t know is how to quell my anxiety.

And well, how to stop my paranoid (I don’t know if I’m using the right word) thoughts.

 

Jun09’14

Advertisements

9 thoughts on “What to do?

  1. I feel for you. I wish there was some “magic bullet” I could offer up that would just fix it. I found swimming for exercise to be my best therapy. If you’ve never tried it and have a place, you might give it a try. I wear earplugs to keep water out of my ear. So, between having the goggles on and not being able to see much, not hearing much, not smelling and the constant feel of the water, it’s almost like a sensory deprivation experience. And then I get into the focus of my stroke and breathing. At least for that brief period of time, nothing else lives in my head. Then, when the feelings got really bad, I’d just go swim and flush them out for a while. I couldn’t fully get rid of them, but it was a way for me to send them away for a bit. Hope you find something.
    On a side not, I would love to talk photography a bit, too. I love doing it and I always love talking with fellow enthusiast. I warn you, I’m not that technical yet. So if you start talking f-stop and focal lengths, I may just give you a blank stare. I’m working on it, though. For now, I just know what I like and have a decent ability to capture it. I’d love to see any stuff you’ve taken, if you don’t mind sharing. You can email me at raven990@gmail.com, if you want.

    • Thank you for your suggestion, Sir! Unfortunately for me, though, I don’t know how to swim. I should have taken lessons.
      I’m actually still a beginner in photography πŸ™‚ But I’m more inclined in using film cameras, so I don’t really post my work online. I’m actually glad I’m using film; I’m not that good with taking photos to be honest.
      That being said, I still would like to see your work! I would definitely try to scan some of mine, too, if you’d like.
      I’m really curious, what camera do you use?

      • I’m guessing you probably seriously underestimate your photo skills. To me, it’s an art form, it’s about conveying a message or feeling. If it works for you and a couple of folks look at it and say it’s cool, then you have Picasso beat (I don’t get his paintings) πŸ™‚ Don’t sell yourself short, especially on something you like to do. I’d love to see some of your stuff. I used to be a crazy film guy, but it got a little expensive when I’d run a 36 count roll and get like 3 worth keeping out of it. I’m that “take a bunch, a few should turn out well” kind of guy. People would get all irritated at me that I’d travel the world and have all these pictures, but not one with me in it. I always told them “I know what I look like, it’s The Great Wall of China that I wanted to remember”. Anyway, I use a Nikon D80 now. A good friend of mine did an amazing thing and gave it to me, along with a nice zoom lens. It probably would have been a $1800 setup new, and today would still be easy $1000, hence the amazement that he gave it all to me. He had upgraded and didn’t need it. I have a few of my favorites on my blog, but I’m going thru some older stuff and adding it as I think about it.

      • What a lucky guy you are, receiving a camera for free!!!

        Well to be honest I like film cameras more than I love photography itself. I don’t know, there’s something in the way they work that’s missing from when you hold a digital camera.
        And really, I’m also that kind of photographer. I never learn!

      • Film does have a certain fun side to it, I agree with that. I’m really trying to shoot very raw with the digital, just as I would with film. I’m staying away from post-production like things. Aside from some minor cropping and I’ll do some black and white, since you can get black and white film. The D80 is an awesome camera, it was so nice to get away from the point and shoot stuff and back to the land of being able to control everything. Makes me remember my old Canon Rebel EOS from the early 90’s πŸ™‚

      • The controls are pretty easy. It has a wheel at the back and another on the front, on each side of the shutter button, so you can just wheel it around to control shutter speed, aperture, ISO settings, there’s a button there to toggle each wheel, so you can just hit ISO and wheel it around to the ISO you want, hit Speed, etc. I’m still getting used to it πŸ™‚
        I still have the Canon in the closet, you don’t get rid of something like that πŸ™‚ I had it repaired several years ago because the mirror wasn’t flipping all the way back down, so it was ruining my pictures with an overexposed bottom half on each pic. I like things that can be repaired, we’ve turned into such a throwaway society. You don’t fix a $89 point-shoot camera πŸ™‚ I wonder if the lenses I have now would fit on the Rebel.
        I do enjoy the instant feedback of digital. Especially for night shots, I love shooting at night. It’s nice to see the results and be able to correct right then. I never, ever get it right the first time.
        I’m not sure what part of the country you’re in. I so want to go downtown during a good daylight full moon and capture it lined up nice with the top of the Frost Bank http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frost_Bank_Tower, right between the upper “horns”. I’ve got it in my head, just have to do some research on the daytime moon cycles, get a good sunny day and head downtown πŸ™‚
        Anyway, would love to see some of you pics. And, feel free to email me at raven990@gmail.com if you want to talk more without clogging up your comments area too much. Plus, you can scan and email me some pics, if you want.

  2. Good post.

    Coping skills are super annoying to figure out because what works for one situation might not work for the next. Sometimes I go outside at night and look at the stars. That sometimes calms me down for some reason. I used to play sim city – but then it’d be like 4 in the morning and I’d been playing for almost 12 hours – but it felt like 20 minutes so I had to stop that. Mainly distractions help for me with anxiety – I will clean everything. Sweep, laundry, scrub the tub – even if it looks clean. I’ll garden, paint, draw, journal, and one thing I’ve found that helps sometimes is youtubing standup comedy. Not sure if you’re into that. Anything to make me laugh.

    And baths – baths are awesome.

    Paranoid thoughts – totally with you there… no clue how to cut that out other than to write them out and talk about them with my therapist. Sometimes just even writing them out helps because like two days later if you go back and read it you’ll be like… really? I thought that? At least that’s what it’s like for me.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s