Everybody tells you you’re worth more than your problems. They tell you you won’t find the solution to your problems anywhere else, because YOU are the solution.
They’re wrong, you think. You are the problem. You’ll always be the problem. So the only solution to your problem, which is your life, is to end it.
And end it you do.
You jump. You kick the chair. You pull the trigger. You kill yourself.
You can’t stand the world anymore. The world couldn’t stand you either, anyway, you think.
You wake up. You suddenly wonder why you’re waking up instead of falling into a sleep so deep nobody – including yourself – could reach you.
You realize you have been standing up. You just opened your eyes.
But you don’t see anything. Not even a single color. It’s just black. You’re not sure where you are, you’re not sure what you’re doing, even.
Suddenly, you realize, you’re dead. Finally, you think, you have done something that went according to your plans.
What you haven’t planned for, however, is where you’re going to go after death.
You don’t feel final. Final – the word people always describe death with.
You don’t feel like you’re free from your suffering. You still feel those emotions that you so desperately wanted to be free from. They’re dead, too, those emotions; but so are you. So they kind of got stuck with you in a black vacuum.
You don’t know what to do next. You could walk, in the dark, so you walk.
You think that somehow, you got your wish: for your life to be on pause. Your life is on pause now, indefinitely. You chuckle at the thought.
You walk around, with no destination. You start to think about things.
You wonder what exactly happened that got you there. Where “there” is, you’re not really sure. You wonder what happened to the people in your life. You wonder where you’ll go next.
And you wonder how, with all the emotions (it seemed) that you’re currently feeling, fear isn’t one of them. You’re not afraid.
You stare ahead. You can’t see anything, but you know there are doors ahead of you. Prompting you to open one.
And now you’re afraid.