Tomorrow, Friday, I will have an opportunity to do something good for myself.
I’d have an opportunity to go talk to health professionals at a hospital. Nurses, general physicians, or maybe even a psychiatrist!
But just thinking about it makes me anxious. Just writing this one makes my heart sink. Just thinking about tomorrow makes me want to stop time.
I can back out. After all, I don’t have an appointment. Being a student from the university the hospital is associated with, I can approach their health service department which caters to their employees and the university’s students.
I can just walk in and tell them my concerns,
or I can back out and never think of seeking professional help again.
It’s been more than three years since I’ve felt this way. And in that time I’ve only managed to go to that hospital department once (at least for this matter). They told me to come back because I came in at 4 in the afternoon, they don’t accept clients from 4:30 pm onward. Technically I’d have 30 minutes to make a consultation, but it was not enough. They told me to come back at 8 in the morning the next day.
But I never came back.
That was March this year. It’s already June. I’ve wasted three months. Three months doing nothing about my depression. Almost four years if you count from the day I started feeling this way.
Taking that first step was terrifying. I still feel horrified, thinking about it.
It really was a step forward, getting myself out there, but it was also ten steps backward.
My anxiety increased, I think.
So now I can’t even begin to talk myself into going again.
But I want to seek professional help.
I need help.
I know I need to go tomorrow. But I’m terrified of what could happen. What if they remember me, the one who didn’t go back when they told me to? What if they dismiss me, invalidate my feelings, just because I’m kind of in a good place right now?
What if they don’t make me a referral to a psychiatrist?
God, I hate myself right now. I hate myself for thinking about this things. But I can’t help it.
I need to talk to someone right now. But then again, I don’t want to talk to someone right now.
I just want to make tomorrow count as a step forward.
Am I really that stuck in this hell hole I’m in, that I can’t see even a flicker of light to guide me?