Voice

A nagging voice in my head tells me that I’m not really depressed, even though I have already been diagnosed with it.

I believe her sometimes.

It tells me that I don’t really have an anxiety; my shaking hands and fast beating heart are just from being overreacting, which I need to stop doing (I can’t!!!).

I believe her sometimes.

It tells me that I don’t have to tell anyone what I’m feeling/going through, because it’s all just in my head. They don’t have time for me anyway.

I believe her most of the time.

It tells me that I deserve what I’m going through right now, just because.

I believe her most of the time.

It tells me that I don’t have to recover because there’s nothing to recover from; that what I’m feeling right now isn’t true, and that if I just suck it all up I’d get better,

I believe her sometimes.

It tells me that if I don’t sort my shit out soon, without seeking external help (it said I don’t need help from anyone) , I’d die. I will, definitely, die.

I believe her.

Β 

Jun05’14

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29 thoughts on “Voice

  1. My WORST psychosis is the belief that I’m not ill, even though I have every piece of evidence possible to the contrary. I empathise entirely with you. I choose to look at depression as a sentient, pernicious force at work in my brain – actively lying and trying to trick me into the worst possible course of action. When I’m depressed – I know EVERYTHING that is counter-intuitive is probably a better course of action than the things I feel most inclined to do.

    We have to reach out when we reach that point. It’s the thing we least want to do and most NEED to do.

    All the best,
    H&J

  2. My counselor has a sign on his door that I like. It says, “Don’t believe everything you think.” ❀

  3. One of the problems with depression, and mental illness, is that you may lack to the insight to realise that you are not well, even though all the physical evidence suggests that you are.
    It’s only when correctly medicated that the insight comes: when you start to improve and look back and see how dysfunctional you were.

  4. It’s weird how when I was in school, I’d learn about important writers, artists, and mathematicians, and we’d talk about how they suffered from whatever mental illness – or speculated on their possible mental illness(es). It was always a distant thing – like these things aren’t happening right now in someone’s brain at this very moment. For me, it was. And it was hard to not feel like I could talk about it – talk about these thoughts – without fear of retribution or being labeled and left out of things.

    But what’s most interesting to me is the reason we’d talk about mental illness is because of this person or that person doing amazing things – writing amazing poetry or fiction or painting in a new way that was mind-blowing. These people are so celebrated in school – and yet, mental health is so stigmatized in the news and in society.

    No one deserves this. No one. But as I was reminded last night at a support group – there is hope for recovery, long and strong recovery. We can thrive and have amazing lives. It is possible.

    • I am not like any of those famous people. So I’m left with those voices with no talent to let them out. But I do agree with you (I think), that no one deserves this. Thank you for your insight!

      • I can relate – not famous – not abundantly filled with talent, though I can make a mean grilled cheese sandwich. I guess it just makes me wonder why we as a society whether in school or on the news or in politics – talk only of the extremes of mental illness… the greats like Van Gogh and then the not so greats like mass murderers and the like.

        We who deal with this crap day after day are many – how, other than through mostly anonymous blogging, do our voices get heard?

  5. You are not alone in that journey. Maybe you play a little game with voices, and report them to someone you trust nonetheless? l guess they will feel betrayed and leave you alone more often? Please, ending it all is but a temporal solution to a prmanent problem. There is strength in what remains sometimes even a hot chocolate can help. The day l dropped the knife was the day l truly decided to thame my voices. They still speak often and l play with them while devising how to betray them further. It hurts their ego to see us try to pull our shit together. :-[

    • I’m happy that you dropped knife, really. πŸ™‚ It’s a good thing I’m quite in a good place right now, so. I still don’t know what to do with that nagging voice/thought, though. But thank you for this!

  6. Great write. I can relate to this as I myself have been depressed for 22 years. My kind of depression can’t be cured. I’ve been talking and taking meds for just as long. It has helped somewhat but like you I don’t always believe him most of the time. Now, four months ago my husband died. There is a shadow in my heart. I find writing poetry helps. Good luck to you and keep writing.

    Melanie
    bd
    my other blog:
    http://www.beloved49.blogspot.com

    • I’m sorry about your lost (I mean it). 22 years is long, and I envy you for surviving through those years. You’re strong and I have no doubt you’d continue to be strong. Thank you!

  7. The fact that you are having those thoughts at all is PROOF that you have the disorder! We all have those thoughts — you are not alone. Please keep writing and reaching out, even though that voice makes it seem like the last thing you want to do. Try doing the OPPOSITE of what the mind wants; sometimes that works for me!

  8. Very well put! I am familiar with the voices as well. I think they come from a place of clinging to stability, not wanting to upset the apple cart, especially by doing something as drastic as recognizing there’s a problem and I might have to change the way I do things. Those voices of denial are the most difficult to overcome. Sounds like you’re already on your way there, though–best of luck on your journey.

  9. You feel like it’s “normal”, or just “how you are”. You can’t help it, and there’s no use trying to fix it because it’s a part of you.
    Overcoming this is the hardest part. I loved this post, even for a mind on the mend these thoughts pop up daily, sometimes hourly. How do you overcome these thoughts when they just sound so easy, and make so much sense?
    This is my battle everyday.
    Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

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