A Gun to End It All

I always had this vision of a gun pointed at me, the end of the barrel touching my forehead, or inside my mouth. There’s a hand on the trigger, ready to end all things; good, and especially, bad.

I don’t know whose hand was it, though. It always changes. Sometimes it’s my hand holding the gun, sometimes it’s a stranger’s hand.

It doesn’t always fire. It’s just there… taunting me. Haunting me. Making me want to plead whoever was holding the gun to just pull the trigger. And when it does…

I die. On the inside.

I feel that I’m suddenly free. I’m free of all these Earthly things that make my life hell.

But it leaves me immediately – the vision – and leaves me wanting for more.

It leaves me wanting for more freedom.

It leaves me wanting to die. For real.

 

 

I stopped having that vision. Maybe it’s because of the fact that I’m kind of feeling better.

A few days ago,  however, I had another vision.

The gun is further away from me, but nonetheless ready to do its job. Given the distance, I was able to see who was holding it.

It was me. In a black clothing, with a very serious affect. She was just there, I mean I was just there, pointing a gun towards me. She doesn’t give away anything with her eyes, or her lips, or the way she stood her ground.

She doesn’t pull the trigger.

The vision ends there.

I don’t know what the meaning of these two visions are. I don’t know why the first one stopped, and I certainly don’t know why another one popped in my head.

Do they say something about me? Maybe.

Maybe it has something to do with my depression. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I wanted to die. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I don’t really want to die, but to be just free. Free from all my suffering.

 

Jun03’14

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2 thoughts on “A Gun to End It All

  1. Hi K, I would agree dreaming about death that way would be unsettling. I certainly see a positive aspect through the feeling of freedom/release that you experienced. I have had a similar experience recurring dreams of drowning. The terrified point just before drowning, and then the relief and release when I give in to the water and find that I can survive in it like a fish. As for you pulling the trigger, perhaps you are the one with the power/control over your situation. (a literal interpretation perhaps, but that is the way I fond my dreams are)

    Seems like your thoughts have moved on to a slightly different theme. You are there, perhaps protecting with the gun. Perhaps you are your own enemy in the current battle and your black persona is waiting to see what you can do for yourself.

    Have you watched the film Fight Club? (without spoiling much…) Right near the end the main character shoots himself and finds release from his “problem”. This is very much how I understand the situation of your first dream description.

    So many of us want to be free from the suffering, you are member of a very strong club with those feelings. Personally, I have to find my own way, through my own tangled dark brain, to reach that sort of place. Depression makes the brain work in ways that many other people don’t experience, so we cannot compare ourselves to the lives of others. So often I wonder if that place of freedom is attainable at all, and it is! But for me it is part of life’s path, there are good times and bad along the way and that is just how it is. The more accepting of it all, the better I feel and am.

    I hope that you find your hope K. Find your way of stepping forward each day, no matter what else happens. (Essay apologies, but talking about this helps me immensely)
    Peter

    • That really is an amazing insight. Thank you for telling me this. I never thought about it this way, and I already agree with this! Thank you so so so much!
      I do hope so too, Mr. Peter, I do hope so. Just turn up, you told me, and I’m trying to do just that.

      K

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