Afraid of the doctor

Now that I’m not feeling that sad as I used to be, I’m afraid of going to the doctor.

I’m afraid that I’m not experiencing most of the symptoms of depression (and anxiety), they might tell me that I’ve already recovered from it, or at least I’m on my way to recovery.

It’s not that I don’t want to recover. Getting better, winning against depression, is what I want (and need) the most. It’s just that right now, naturally I’d feel better, because I’m on break from school. I’m under a lot less stress than I was before. Of course I’d feel better.

But that’s the thing. It’s temporary. I know that once school starts again, feelings of despair, immense sadness, and other symptoms of depression will come back. It’s bound to happen. It always happens.

The thing I’m mostly afraid of are the suicidal thoughts.

Now that I think about it (again), I realize that having those thoughts of suicide really is scary.

I’m afraid that once school starts, I’d have them again, those suicidal ideations. I don’t know what I would do then.

Should I go to a mental health professional now?

I want to; I really do. But I don’t know what to expect from them. I don’t know what I want (and need) to hear from them. But mostly I’m afraid they’ll invalidate those symptoms of depression and anxiety,  just because I’m feeling a little bit better now.

I know that’s unlikely to happen, but I don’t know. I really am anxious about seeing a doctor.

 

May29’14

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2 thoughts on “Afraid of the doctor

  1. Not trying to bombard you with comments today (sorry!), but I just wanted to reply because I have been in the same place as you, worried about going to get help in case they thought I was just being self indulgent. I found a counselor online and talked to her, and she helped me realize that all the feelings I’d been having (just like you) were valid and were a sign of my depression. I know you’ve probably heard all this before from others (I just found your blog a few days ago), but maybe it’ll help knowing that it’s FINE for you to go and ask for help. If you really were in a great place, it wouldn’t even occur to you that you might need to talk to someone — you’d just be off doing your own thing, getting on with life. You have these questions popping up for a reason — it’s kind of like an inner warning system, telling you that something’s wrong. Okay, I will shut up now! 🙂

    • It’s okay, really. Insights other than mine, especially in this matter, are always welcome. I do agree with you. But you might also know that taking a step is always easier said than done. But I do hope I get better. And I thank you greatly for your kind words! 🙂

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