My Hands Are Still Shaking

An unchecked message. That’s what caused me to be deeply anxious this time. I don’t get why the mere sound of my phone alerting me to a new message got me this nervous; making my stomach drop, my chest constrict, and my hands shake.

The worst part is, the message was unimportant (from my network provider).

My hands can’t seem to stop from shaking, even as I write this. It’s been an hour or  so since I received that message.

I get anxious every time I check my emails, or my phone messages. More so when I have to answer a call (that’s why I rarely accept incoming calls). I’m really afraid (for lack of a better word) of talking to an authority (i.e. my professors, supervisors, even people who are simply older than me).

I try to avoid social situations, because of the crippling anxiety I get with it.

The sad part is, by trying to avoid (“escape” is much more appropriate word for it) such situations, an aspect of my life is suffering.

You guessed right, my social life.

Many times I have been called an introvert, a shy person, and even awkward. But then again, maybe I really am an awkward and shy introvert.

But I know that it’s more than my personality,  that being of an introvert.

I’m comfortable being around my family. Not so much with my friends (but I’m getting there). But with other people, I’m this shy and quiet person that they know little about.

I realized that I’m afraid of facing people of authority. Of social situations.

And of course, of being in an unfamiliar or uncertain situations; situations where I’m not the one in control, situations where the probability of humiliating myself is high.

 

Damn it. I should have talked to the psychiatrist (the one who diagnosed me with depression) in person, instead of paying the same price and answering questionnaires online.

I was too anxious to face him. To face uncertainty.

 

May23’14

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6 thoughts on “My Hands Are Still Shaking

  1. I am the same as you. When my phone rings or a message comes in, I get a jolt of fear and adrenaline. I dread phone calls especially and rarely answer my phone. I don’t know why. If I just answer and deal with whatever is on the other end, I always feel better and realize it wasn’t that bad. I try to tell myself to remember it’s not as bad as I think it’s going to be, but I still end up repeating the same behavior next time. The worst thing for me is that unchecked message is paralyzing for me. I put off checking it, but am unable to accomplish anything else until I do. I thought I was the only one.

    • I’m paranoid that the message or call would bring me bad news, even though I know that it’s highly (or not) unlikely. It also happens when I’m the one making calls. More than once I’ve starved myself because I’m too anxious to go out or even just make a call for food. You’re not alone. 🙂

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