Having depression is like playing chess with a dark, shadowy entity. Only you don’t know how to win because you don’t know how to play chess in the first place.
The thing with depression is that you sometimes don’t know where you stand, in terms of emotional stability. Are you in despair? Are you still drenched in that rainwater from that emotional, dark cloud you’re under? Oh wait, is that a ray of sunlight you see?! Or was it just your dream taunting you with its wicked sense of humor?
It’s confusing at times, not knowing what you’re feeling, what those feelings mean, and how it would affect your life in general.
You’re not always sad. At least for me that’s true. No. It’s not a sad day everyday, but yes it’s how I feel, most of time.
You’re sometimes graced with a day of happiness (or in my case contentment). It’s like having a day off from moping around and about your life. See, Depression isn’t so bad, is it?
No, it’s worse.
From my experience, it’s these days of not feeling sad that kept me from seeking help sooner. Having these feelings of contentment got me thinking that ‘hey, I might be getting better. There might be no need for me to talk to a mental health professional.’ I kept talking myself out of seeking help in the hopes that, whatever happiness I was feeling would actually last.
I realized just now that it’s Depression’s way of getting you deeper in your mess than you already are. He uses those happy days as a bait, waiting for you to get hooked and be dragged yet again into a miserable adventure.
Why am I saying all these nonsense?
Because i’m having one of those days of contentment right now, and I’m basking in it.
I lose the chess match. Again.