Trying Again Tomorrow, For Real

So, this really is it.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I need help. Help from the outside, that is. I’m so tired of being introspective without really coming up with answers, but rather with more questions that ached to be answered.

I’ve thought of getting professional help many times now. I stumbled upon many opportunities to do so. But I always back out.

I always let my anxiety win against me.

Sometimes I feel like I’m betraying myself; that I’m robbing myself of opportunities to get better. I always forget that recovery is always and will always be better than quelling my anxiety for a few days. I always forget how much I want to get better, but I always remember how terrifying it could be. I always remember the bad parts of recovery: the part where I bare myself to another soul; and the uncertainty of whether it would really help me or not; and the relapse.

Tomorrow, I’ll try yet again to push my feet in recovery’s direction. I may or may not push through with it; there’s actually higher chances of me being killed tonight than actually going through with this (I know this now).

But hey, it wouldn’t hurt me if I tried seeking help again tomorrow, right?

Besides, I wouldn’t feel much more anxious than I already am. But if I can, I would.

If I fail tomorrow, well, I wouldn’t really know what I’d do to myself anymore.

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6 thoughts on “Trying Again Tomorrow, For Real

  1. I know these feelings from the many times I have had to seek professional help. when you can’t manage on your own its time for assistance. The short term pain of baring yourself to another is worth the long term improvements you will feel. Just turn up! and make a little effort to participate.

    • Hey again! Just wanted to let you know that I didn’t go yet again. It’s kind of frustrating me to no end, you know, planning on going then backing out at the last minute. But thank you, “Just turn up!” sort of became my motto for now, haha.

      • well, take that motto and make it work for you. My theory is that when you are in the better frame of mind and planning actions, organise it some way so that you can’t just back out. For example someone else is committed to taking you or coming with you. Best wishes.

      • Thank you for your suggestion! Thing is, no one I know in real life knows about what I’m going through except for one. I don’t want to bother her though, seeing as I nearly made her cry when I told her my story. But I’ll definitely think of some other ways not to back out next time. Thank you again!

      • Sorry to hear your situation is a little lonely like that. Perhaps plan a special fun reward for yourself when you’ve carried through – sounds like it might take some motivation. A word of advice, getting help is never as bad as you think. Take care.

      • Thank you for this. I needed to hear what you said! I just hope I do it soon. I really want to get better, at least for now. Regards.

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