Being in an emotional rollercoaster isn’t fun, nor is it thrilling. If anything, it’s tiring.
And right now, I’d say, I’m slowly being drained of my patience and of my will to fight for my happiness.
I’m at a point in my life again where all I feel is sadness, if not complete despair. Oh, and let me not forget anxiousness that’s eating me slowly, lest I become crazy with the . . . craziness of this all.
I don’t know what to do rigt now. But, I do know that I don’t want to face my future (do I even have one?!).
Much as I don’t want to wake up anymore, and to face whatever tomorrow brings, I also want to get away from this.
I want to change my future (again, if there’s one). I want to get better, for real.
But then again, I’m still ambivalent towards taking a step forward. It may sound crazy, and I probably am crazy, but I sometimes feel like this thing in me, this freaking depression that’s been with me for four years now, is somehow my default emotion. Does that sound crazy? It probably does.
This is my predicament. This the rollercoaster I’m unwillingly riding in. The emotional down and even more down (I realized there’s no up, lucky me. Hah.), and the opposing thoughts of seeking treatment and just basking in my depression until I die (which would be pretty soon if I don’t do something about this immediately).
If only I could jump out of it, by all means, I would.