Working Out


I have been working out, much to the lazy lady inside my head’s dismay.

Well, it’s not really working out as much as just getting my frustration and anger out, on my workout routine.

So, there’s the jogging (more like brisk walking and a little bit of running) part, the jumping jacks, squats, sit-ups, and crunches (10 counts of crunches are counted as real crunches, right?). But my favorite part of the routine is where I get to throw punches and sometimes kicks on the punching bag.

I guess that had started it all – the whole workout thing – when I decided to utilize the unused punching bag we had. A family friend brought us the bag a little over eight years ago to teach us self-defense. But it was never really used, so I thought, why not?

The thing is, I’m not really interested in getting fit at all (okay so that’s somewhat a lie; I do want to get thinner technically, not to be physically fit). I’m more interested in hurting myself.

Yes, because even when I’m not that sad (relative to my depressive episodes), there’s still this urge to SH. Or at least, to get myself a bruise, or something. I want to be hurt physically. And what better way to do it than getting it in the guise of an exercise? I don’t know, really, but I think it’s brilliant (even if it’s in the negative sense).

I don’t wear gloves. Instead of the proper hand wraps, I use elastic bandage. I know it’s not the same thing, but that’s the point: I do want to get hurt. But so far my knuckles aren’t really bruising. They do hurt, though. A little.

I know I’m not making any progress with my self-harming. If anything, I just came up with an alternative way to do so. And to be honest, I don’t like the fact that I started working out just to get myself hurt.

There’s good news, though; I think.

Yes it started out as a way to self harm, but hey, I’m starting to love working out just for the sake of it. The feeling of accomplishing something, even if it’s just 10 counts of sit-ups or crunches, are worth something.

I’m starting to have fun working out.

The part where I get to throw punches is still my favorite part of my workout routine, but I’m also starting to appreciate the running part, and the other parts as well.

And I guess, it’s progress. A slow progress if you will, but any kind of progress is a good progress.


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