Just A Short One For The Mighty One

Dear Lord God,

 

First of all, I know that Jesus had told us that we should pray in a certain manner, but please, let this prayer be an exception. I really just want to take this all out. And I know that by following a certain manner of praying might lessen my opportunity in articulating well what I’m trying to tell You; what I have been trying to tell You for weeks – or even months – now.

I really just want to ask You this, my Lord. Why is this happening to me? Why do I feel like nothing’s worth in my life anymore; that my life’s not worth anything anymore. I feel like I don’t deserve anything, or anyone, really. I feel like I don’t even deserve to be heard out by You. God, I feel like such a waste of time, space, air, everything. I feel like crap. Have I done something terribly wrong? Do I really deserve to be feeling this way? What do I have to do to not feel this way?

Then there’s also this issue with my religion. You and I both know this is an old issue. But I still don’t have any clue on what religion I should practice;what set of beliefs I should practice; who to worship, and who to not worship. There are still some things I still don’t totally understand. Apparently my understanding of You and Your love for Your children are totally different from how the others perceive You, when we all have been reading the same book for ages now. I totally get that each person has their own understanding of Your Word, of Your Scriptures, but some other people really are nasty. When it’s clear to me that You only want love and salvation to spread around and among us humans, there are others who try and use Your words to spread hate. To make themselves somewhat superior to others. Am I not right that it is only You, Lord who has the right to judge us people? But why are there people practically stoning other people to death, and condemning others to hell?

I only wish to be enlightened, my Lord. I want to know the truth, or as closest as I can get to it. I don’t want to worship You and obey Your will just because I have to, just because my salvation depends on it. I want to do it because I know that the God I’m following is a good God, and that I’m living the life You laid out for me not just to be saved, but because of the mere fact that I have trust in You, and that I love You with all my heart, salvation aside. Because being saved is not a sure thing, far from it, and only You can tell whether I’m saved or not. So really, being saved from hell is only a bonus, or dare I say it, a “perk” in our relationship.

I am beginning to hope again, God, by just typing these words. Because to be honest, I haven’t felt Your presence in a little while. It’s quite funny, really, not feeling Your presence. This is what had lead me into thinking You’re not real in the first place. I don’t know. Probably because of too much darkness in my life I have failed to notice Your light reaching out for me. But that’s just wishful thinking. I really would like to blame myself for not being able to feel like I’m connected to You, but, in all honesty, Lord, why am I not feeling Your presence? Why am I not feeling Your comforting hand when I’m trying to seek Your help? All those “lighter” feeling I so desperately wanted to feel to know that You’re there, I haven’t felt?

Why? I know this is rude of me to ask, but can you really blame me? Well no, don’t answer that. Maybe I am the one to blame here.

But please, Lord, please, help me understand myself, understand the world I’m living in, and most of all help me understand Your word, Your teachings, and You as a whole (even if I know that’s beyond a human’s understanding), and all those… Godly things.

All of these I pray in Jesus Christ’s name,

Amen.

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